Melville was likely deeply infatuated with Nathaniel Hawthorne and spent time on whaling ships.

They weren’t gay jokes so much as a gay relationship developing. Ishmael is in love with Queequeg. They spend time in a “bridegroom grasp” and he calls him ever after “my Queequeg”.

I think a useful thing to remember is that reading is still reading, no matter the length. Comics, short stories, articles, reddit threads, etc. It all counts. Use those to start building your self confidence again