Do you mind me asking if, looking back, you were truly doing your best work? And were you young and still resilient or older? The aging body in general mixed with heavy drinking really doesn’t make sense to me as a person who could jump out of bed and go.
I read in whatever way I want to. Sometimes, I get oriented to the characters and then go read the end. To me, this is akin to reading a book more than once. You know what happens, so you can enjoy how the author unveils the story more. Or you could try listening to it first, and then reading it. You are not disrespecting your mom if you don’t enjoy the book. She is by far more than one book! Of one thing I am certain, she would not want you to suffer over this in any way. If you loved her this much, I’m guessing she loved you so much, too. This is her gift to you.