…how else am I gonna get to third base with Paris Hilton?

From the first time I ever saw this, all I could think was that there were so many holes in this story…how did no one see through this, except, apparently, Lucy Harris?

That’s cause Jesus Christ is my n—

…hey now…

Cartman is a monster in human skin. That he grew up to have a decent life–a job and a loving family–is almost unconscionable from a boy who FED ANOTHER BOY HIS OWN PARENTS IN A BOWL OF CHILI.

But.

That that boy would grow up to be the kind of person that would sacrifice that life to save humanity and end up a broken homeless drunk goes perhaps just a bit too far. It’s clear that Cartman has changed. In a wide variety of ways. And he’s sufficiently changed to be willing to save the world like that is amazing. It’s absolute evil becoming what amounts to absolute good, and that’s disconcerting enough to make you wonder if the monster he was merits his fate, when the saint he became did what he did.

It’s okay. We’ve got the best vampire hunter in Colorado on the job.

They call him…The Ungroundable.

“I made you eat your parents.”