I am “generation Harry Potter” (and please, I really do not wish to discuss JK Rowling right now). What I mean is that I was just the right age when the books where first published and I grew up with them being a few years younger than the protagonists.
Now I did not have the most ideal childhood. My home situation was complicated and I was home alone a lot. I also was a sickly child and had to stay home from school often. I did not get much but I wish for a new book every now and then and when I was home alone because of a tonsilitis my mom bought me Harry Potter. I was 9.
Since then HP somehow became my comfort zone, my safe space. Whenever I felt like shit I would hole up in my room and read through the HP books. As a teen I never told anyone since I already understood it was weird to read a book again and again to flee from reality. But I figured it will phase out once I am an adult and “figured stuff out”.
Well, it didn’t. You can guess how old I am given the above information and through all my 20’s and then 30’s til now I kept turning to the HP books whenever something bad happened. Especially something grief and death related.
Yesterday my grandmother died completely unexpectedly (I mean, she was old but she was relatively well until now and she was out for a coffe and cake and then dinner the day before yesterday with my parents even. Sudden fatal heart attack not even 24 hours later. I missed the chance to see her again after months of not visiting. We had planned a day together on Dec 1st. I am incredibly sad and full of guilt).
I took off of work today and now I am at home, sudden crying outbursts all the time and it’s like my whole body and mind scream for my personal method of “relief”: Lay in bed with a hot cup of tea and HP and the sorcerers stone and just nope out of real life. I know this is not healthy and a little weird but it helps me so much.
I just wanted to know if others know this feeling as well… and what your comfort book and story is.
I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother. I get why you feel guilty, but please don’t be too hard on yourself. You had no way of knowing what was going to happen and when.
I think lying in bed with tea and your comfort book is very healthy, every person has their own way of grieving. Sometimes you need to nope out of life for a while before you can come back and process emotions and get through loss like that. Sometimes I go for a long walk listening to music until I just zone out, sometimes I spend my day on the sofa binging a tv show I’ve already watched multiple times, and sometimes I stay in bed with my comfort book, which is also Harry Potter. I remember my dad taking me to a bookstore at midnight to get the latest book when it was out and whenever I read them it makes me feel like I did then, secure, loved and oblivious to some of life’s cruelties. Sometimes going back to those memories and feelings is what we need to heal.
You should take all the time you need to process this and I hope you’re okay.