An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives. They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted
Christmas joke (NSFW) A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.” The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.” the young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once. Whoops, wrong sub
Christmas joke (NSFW) A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.” The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.” the young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
Christmas joke (NSFW) A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.” The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.” the young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
I asked my mum “How much is a couple?” “2 or 3” she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”
“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
“Sir, your question is so easy that I’m going to let my driver explain it to you.”
The funniest /r/jokes has ever been
Virginity in school Son to mother: “Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin.”
Mother: “Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop.”
TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once. Whoops, wrong sub