Ruthie

Thanks I’m not but I hope it gets better for me too. Compared to when I first started it already is.

I’ve been off and on clean from anorexia for a little over a month and a half. I had a pretty shit day with dysphoria/dysmorphia more or less just spent it hiding in my room under a blanket blasting sad punk music and crying over how disgusting I am and how much I hate my body. I just kinda realized a few minutes ago at almost midnight while listening to rock in gods shoe by sushi soucy that the thing I actually miss most about it is how much it let me hurt myself and punish myself for everything pretty much. That and the control of it and not to mention power but that idk that’s kinda fucked up right like idk. I just I’ve been a mess for awhile and I just have no fucking idea what to do anymore. I barely got through dinner tonight and that was my only real meal today I don’t even think I can do tomorrow maybe just have a relapse day fuck. I just what do you do when you have nothing and lost the only coping mechanism you had for all of high school and now…now what?