Barry is a really good show about a guy who is pretty mentally broken and trying to be good but ends up hurting a lot of people. It has that mix of humor and seriousness to it.

Trauma and addiction if we want to cut it down to just 2 words.

I think the fact that you can see there is a problem means there’s hope for you. I think the answer to your question about why you feel this way is something you can reach in therapy. I know it’s terrifying, but a commitment to total sobriety is the only way, but you need to come to that conclusion yourself. It’s about realizing that if you think you can keep drinking and using, you’re always going to end up saying “well, I’m fine after just using a little bit, so I can use or drink a little bit more.” You’ll push until you’ve gone too far, and then you’ll think “I’ve gone too far, so now it doesn’t matter. Why hold back?” If you’re at this point, moderation isn’t something that works for you.

Whether or not AA is really a good system overall, they have the very first bit right in admitting that your life is unmanageable and you are powerless over your addiction, and so by extension moderation isn’t possible. If you ever want to stop feeling badly about yourself for good, one thing it’s going to involve is saying no to your addictions. Denying yourself these substances that have caused such problems in your life is an act of self-love. Along with therapy and a good support group, over time you can prove to those inner voices that they are wrong because you wouldn’t put all the effort into sobriety if they weren’t, and the longer you do something the easier it becomes to justify it. And living yourself in this way isn’t selfish–if you’re going to treat the people in your life better, it starts with treating yourself better. The problems you cause for other people start with you hating yourself because of how hard making any sort of effort for others is when your own life feels pointless. It just drains all your energy for caring about things.

Anyway I hope you can find a good therapist and ideally a support group. There’s still hope because you are posting this here. You want to change, and that’s the most important step. I wish you luck.