I feel like I struggle with this in all facets, especially as I love fantasy books and it tends to make me feel more down about my real, mundane life, but I feel like I notice the most impact when it comes to relationships.
This isn’t just my current one, but also great relationships I’ve had in the past that ended amicably. I’m in a great relationship now. He’s loving, caring, attentive, romantic, handsome, hard-working, etc etc. But I feel like every time I read a romance novel (especially one written by a woman), it makes me look at all of my relationships in a new light in my head. No one is freaking perfect and lord knows I’m far from it, but a lot of the male love interests I’ve read about in novels are portrayed to perfection with the perfect amount of emotional intelligence that just no real person has.
I don’t know. I love my current relationship and I’m very serious about it, but I don’t love how romance books always ignites this insanely unachievable hopelessly romantic side of me. Do I just have to stop reading completely lol? Is anyone else like this? What can I do?
I think for people who are in stable relationships who get a little bit of FOMO from reading romance novels, the FOMO isn’t really about the love interests being that much better than our partners. My husband isn’t rich and he doesn’t have abs, but he’s otherwise every bit as dreamy as the guys in the books. The little bit of FOMO comes from the fact that romance novels are always centered on the beginning of a relationship, when it’s all butterflies and off-the-charts sexual chemistry and minor conflicts and getting to know someone brand new and the thrill of realizing they want you back. The fact is, if my marriage is successful and I don’t get tragically widowed young, I’ll never experience that “falling in love with someone new” thrill again.
Then I think realistically about the fact that in order to have a hope of ever experiencing those first sparks again, I’d have to be single first. And I do not want to be single again. I like being married to my husband. And never getting to fall in love and sleep with someone new for the first time is a price I’m more than willing to pay for my happy marriage.
This is a beautiful explanation and so spot on. I think you’re completely right.
I think it’s for the same reason that I like getting immersed in a new fantasy book. It’s so exciting and new, and a new relationship in a book with all of the crazy passion and butterflies does the same thing. I have found myself wondering on occasion why I don’t even feel that same spark (in past relationships too), but it’s because I’ve been with my partner for so long that of course we don’t feel that same crazy passion that we did in the beginning, that’s normal.
At the end of the day, I know I’d choose my partner over anyone else every day. He tries so hard and is my best friend, which makes me feel so much more guilty about feeling this way at all. But thank you so much for providing this explanation, it makes total sense.
Yeah, I think understanding brain chemistry helps. We have a certain emotional and sexual response to novelty. The “spark” doesn’t feel the same after, in my case, 13 years together and that’s not a sign that something’s wrong, that’s just our brains functioning the way brains function.
Yes, exactly! Not to mention that romance novels only include a few of the most noteworthy scenes - they are void of the mundane parts of everyday life. The ultimate end goal for these romance novel couples that we don’t get to see is to presume that they end up having what my boyfriend and I do.
At the end of the day it’s all about perspective. I’d say romance novels enhance my relationship and are a healthy way to indulge in that feeling of butterflies while maintaining a healthy relationship.
You explain this well.
I’ve been trying to explain that same thing to a lot of people.
My boyfriend and I have been together for four years already.
The 1 month after getting together was one of the peaks or my life and I didn’t think life would get better. Things eventually settled and we’re happy and comfortable.
Admittedly, I feel the FOMO when I read books and talk to my friends about their love life but I’m pretty satisfied since I get to experience those same butterflies from fanfiction and books haha.