I completely relate to you and feel the exact same way, except I am not in a relationship and believe that reading so much and being such a hopeless romantic and adventure-loving person has actually prevented me from getting into a relationship because I have such high expectations.

Something that has really helped me so far has actually been to check myself often when dating. Like yea, this man is no Rhysand or Damen/Laurent or Draco from DMATMOOBIL, but it’s not like I’m completely selfless like Feyre or a world-renowned genius/smartest witch of my age like Hermione. I’m also just a normal gal trying my best day to day to show the people around me that I love and care for them. And that’s all I can expect from my SO too! Hope this helps or offers a different perspective than “oh just stop reading lmao” like??

Would you mind sharing some of your favorite book titles?

I’m reading a gay romcom called “Boyfriend Material”.

It hasn’t got me a boyfriend. Or changed anything else. So far only one of the two main characters has appeared, and he has lost his job, for bringing the charity he worked for into disrepute by going on a bender - which gets into the news because his father is a celebrity - thereby losing the charity donors. He’s rather hopeless, and so, thus far, are his friends. He has met his suggested BF once, & is not keen on meeting him again.

I do not know anyone like that, and it would never occur to me to angle for a BF by using a romcom as a “how to” guide. There may be a romcom that doubles as a Wikihow Guide to a Gay Relationship - but I’ve not heard of it.

I have the same issue with movies, TV and songs too. You’re not alone.

I think for people who are in stable relationships who get a little bit of FOMO from reading romance novels, the FOMO isn’t really about the love interests being that much better than our partners. My husband isn’t rich and he doesn’t have abs, but he’s otherwise every bit as dreamy as the guys in the books. The little bit of FOMO comes from the fact that romance novels are always centered on the beginning of a relationship, when it’s all butterflies and off-the-charts sexual chemistry and minor conflicts and getting to know someone brand new and the thrill of realizing they want you back. The fact is, if my marriage is successful and I don’t get tragically widowed young, I’ll never experience that “falling in love with someone new” thrill again.

Then I think realistically about the fact that in order to have a hope of ever experiencing those first sparks again, I’d have to be single first. And I do not want to be single again. I like being married to my husband. And never getting to fall in love and sleep with someone new for the first time is a price I’m more than willing to pay for my happy marriage.

I wouldn’t call the books I read “romance novels”, but they have romance in them. (Maybe this explains the difference between my perspective on this and your op?)

I see my own relationship in the romantic elements of the story. If anything it makes me feel more positive about my relationship, because it reminds me of the best aspects of my relationship.

Life is ussually very routine, so it’s easy to forget the special moments we’ve had over the years. The romantic moments in novels make me remember things like the time between first meeting her and first dating her or the times that we celebrated anniversaries or the times that we made sacrifices for each other and so on and so forth.

Romance novels are essentially a form of porn, and there are a lot of people that can’t consume porn without it subconsciously impacting their real life ideas and expectations around sex. If you’re one of those people just… stop reading them?

Adults can engage with media without internalizing it.

Romance novels and porn are two sides of the same coin. If you’re having feelings like that then you shouldn’t be doing either, both for the same reason.

I’ve heard once that romance novels are too women what porn is to men.

Porn can give men unrealistic expectations and entitlements to women.

Romance can give women unrealistic expectations and entitlements to men.

I think the only real difference is that men are taught pretty quickly that the behavior is bad. Whereas women aren’t taught at all. On average of course. It’s something to keep in mind. Media can only really affect us if we let it. Makeing a conscious decision to separate fantasy from reality is a good idea.

I like my fictional men traumatized, hot, shitty at communication, and rich. Couldn’t deal with a dude like that in real life.

I like my real life husband goofy, asks for help, and holds down a job. I’d like him to be rich but meh.

I’ve never read a romance novel of any kind with a totally healthy, mutual, equal relationship. There are always issues, even in really positive books. Jealous women, obsessive men, alpha antics, miscommunication, possessiveness; what have you.

I come out of romance books appreciating my real life relationship even more because it’s based on equality of relationship, no one person “protecting” or “possessing” another, no one trying to shove particular roles down anyone’s throat, etc.

The stuff I like in romance novels is, for the most part, WILDLY different from what I like IRL, so it’s really easy for me. Thought I will admit I struggle a bit with determining how much that level of passionate love is realistic vs. how much real relationships are actually more tame and dependable. But that’s okay. I have time to figure that out yet.

All my preferred romance is problematic/toxic as hell so I have a good read and can also enjoy my nice boring love life all the more 🥰 My reading tastes and actual wants in life are thankfully quite different!

Well, those men don’t exist, and you know that. So maybe you wish your partner could bring a little spice into interactions with you? It’s ok to ask for things, if specific things would be nice. Flowers? Massages? Dirty texts during the day? Surprise intimacy in slightly inappropriate situations? Those are just examples, only you know what you should ask for.

Sometimes it’s just a change in perspective. I found myself absolutely obsessed over a fictional man in a romantic webtoons recently (fairly embarrassing, I know) and I had to ponder why. I realized that I liked that he was being protective of his love interest. Then I thought about how my husband has been more protective recently - not in an aggressive way, because we have a newborn at home and he’s in more of a caring role for me and our daughter now. But when I realized, “oh he is still very protective and masculine, just in a new way” it clicked for me and my ever-renewing crush on him got another life.

It’s good that it’s fictional guys that give you an “oooh” feeling of longing for something more. I’d be more worried about your relationship if non-fictional people you actually interact with were inspiring feelings like that in you. If you shared that, I might be like, well it’s ok to look at other people and really reflect “am I in a relationship I’d enthusiastically enter into again tomorrow? Or would I be grateful for the opportunity to move on and try something else?” Because that’s an ok feeling to have. You don’t need to act on it, if you have it. And if you feel you have to act on it, that’s ok too. It’s kind of ridiculous that we judge romantic relationships to be failures unless one of us dies during it.