Why I think he is emotionally abusive:
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He doesn’t translate everything as he should and only translates in a manner that suits his situation and needs.
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Omits essential information all the time.
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Right before the wedding he decides to break up because she confided in her parents. But it’s okay when he does the same and turns everyone against her. Who runs to their mommy after there’s been a fight with a partner and talks shit about them to their entire family?
4.He always has to have the upper hand: Threatens to leave Kimberly or asks her to leave in every fight, Whenever he is asked to make a compromise - “Am I your servant?” “I’m not your servant” wth does that even mean?
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In effect he has entirely isolated her from his family and is trying to isolate her from her own family too.
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Straight up lied about the family situation and “wifely duties”.
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No safe space for Kimberly to go to, no one to confide in
Controlling someone in that manner and stripping away their identity bit by bit is absolutely not okay. I say this not because Kimberly is expected to make compromises, but because she is being expected to keep quiet about things that bother her and change the way she thinks. The situation is classic 101 guide in how to break someone’s spirit and make them complacent.
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Cause it’s more fun to hate on Kimberly
Yeah, it’s scary how misogyny keeps rearing its ugly head in this sub.
It’s bad.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
People want Kim to be responsible for her own misery and give him a pass for no reason. He’s deliberately deceived her. He knew if she was able to choose that she would not agree to get married under those circumstances and that’s why he hid it.
Imo she is at least partially responsible for the language barrier. She knew she was moving in w family. After seeing her response to the apartment - screaming about trim w gaps which Was done correctly to allow for the joining trim (ie on bottom meeting w vertical door trim) was ridiculous. I did not see him pitting them against her. She brought that on herself.
Imagine - they are all in their usual household atmosphere - and all of a sudden / a screeching ranting woman arrives yelling at the other family member. Pretty sure they came to their own conclusion.
Did she expect him to translate from everyone forever? That would be exhausting. She should have downloaded babbel for the year she was waiting to go.
But now - If her reasoning for her behavior is she thought they were going to live separately above parents - then I can see a tantrum.
Was there Really have that big of an omission?
Golly she (they) should have just skipped the wedding.
Yeah the trim looked like shit but what’s worse is the bathroom was in front of a window and had no door. Like it was pretty bad.
I hope she gets out of there.
She did 👍🏽
Really? How do you know?
She reminds me of Statler
Now that you mentioned it, I can see it.
I also thought it was shitty that he got his mom to lay down the post-marital duties (after omitting this very information pre-wedding)
I believe the long-awaited “scream” is on tonight’s episode!
Not just omitting- outright lying, which he admitted to doing. She asked him his expectations and he lied about them.
The Other Way is on tomorrow night.
I wonder if his lies about expectations would be enough to get a marriage annulled in the US. It certainly should be. I have no idea how difficult it is to end a marriage in India, but I’m assuming it’s harder to split up in a culture seems to revere marriage a great deal more than ours does.
Wasn’t she there for like a year before they even went on the show together tho?
So what? I had an ex that lived with me before I moved to his country. The first time I was with him, he was a gentleman, kind, caring. When I moved to his country, he was an abusive asshole.
It doesn’t matter what he was like before. Once he knew he was going to have her stuck, he could have completely changed. It’s not an unheard of concept.
Can you not read or something? I asked a question not a statement
Because you were now in his territory and he could control you 😟
And?
And what ? Were you going to add to this and you got distracted or something ?
You’re the one that had no point.
For #5, she went there voluntarily… unless you’re saying that he isolated her even when her family came over to visit India themselves.
People join cults voluntarily but it doesn’t mean they weren’t lied to and abused. Same with a lot of domestic violence victims. #3 and #5 go hand in hand.
Kim is not the queen she believes she is. She lived with him a year previously. To not know a word of their language, kitchen traditions and cooking, shopping, customs, etc is amazing. To not have supervised the remodeling of their apartment in that year’s time is shocking! She didn’t start a business. Didn’t tell her own future? A whole year of what–sitting and screaming? I believe her stepmother realizes she an adult sized spoiled brat! She owns this situation–not TJ and his family. She blames the others for not taking the time to fully explain the wedding events–yea, like they are doing all the work and expense, and you are still doing nothing but complaining. Why didn’t she do some research? Poor TJ!
She did not live with him for that year, unless he lived in the separate apartment she had while she was a university student, which I doubt since he’s supposedly so religious that he couldn’t sleep in bed with her in his family’s house until they were married. And he pretended to be more “western”, lying to her when she asked him about being expected to be a traditional conservative wife.
She can’t start a business there because she’s not eligible to work there yet.
Her father and stepmother both thought she was being treated badly, her stepmother even said it during one of the pre-wedding ceremonies and her dad wanted her to postpone the wedding and go back with them to the US.
She did help plan the apartment in detail and picked out materials while she was there, by constructing started AFTER she was came back in the US when her student visa expired and she had to get a different visa to return to India and get married.
TJ and his family are trash.
Yet everyone blames TJ and claims he’s abusive 🙄
This is one of the first posts I’ve seen not blaming Kim so I don’t know what you’re on about.
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This episode shone a new, negative light on TJ. He gaslights Kimberly and takes every feeling she shares at him as a personal attack on his character and culture. Kimberly has a super short fuse and needs to get herself in check, but at least in this week’s conversation, she started off trying to vocalize her pain. He wasn’t hearing her.
I don’t see them fixing this unless there are deeper, constructive, and self reflective discussions. Are they capable of that?
Yeah, this one was a tough watch. So, in Jaipur, India there are many expats and people speak English or at least understand it as much if not more than TJ. I was shocked that he didn’t tell her/show her that. There are mixers and events for expats and locals all the time. India’s biggest English literary festival is conducted in that city every year! She can go to malls, movies and events by herself without any issues. Even to supermarkets (indoor markets). That sick man wants her to stay isolated. I wanted to reach into my screen and knock his lights out.
I’m so annoyed by how often the term “abusive” is thrown around on Reddit.
Like are you all perfect communicators with your partners and never get triggered or fight poorly?
TJ has his issue and so does his partner. Hopefully they will figure them out and get better at being partners to each other. I think they do love each other but both has serious communication problems and seem to get triggered extremely easily. Kimberly is the louder one so people have focused on her, but he is also problematic. But not abusive.
Agree!
- He is the man in a traditional hetero relationship
- He is already In the country and household where the married couple will live
- He lied about or omitted vital information about his wife’s new life
- He has the unequivocal support of a family who have refused to treat his new wife with respect
What part of this doesn’t qualify as some level of abuse?
It’s 💯 abuse lying by omission is abusive mentally!!!
I wouldn’t call what TJ is doing abuse. You can tell he genuinely wants Kim there and is trying to act as a buffer between her and his family. I think the lack of proper translation to keep her from exploding. He didn’t give her enough information going in but I really think in his mind he’s trying not to overwhelm her. No matter what the dude does he’s gonna lose. Kimberly has the emotional maturity of a 6 year old and is ungrateful/judgemental by nature.
He is 100% abusive. Sure he wants here there, so do most abusers. He expects her to cater to his needs, he belittles and invalidates her emotional experiences, he treats her like an object and has a clear attitude of authority around her, he lies and keeps her in the dark, and he gaslights her when she asks questions or figures things out. She is constantly invalidated, has no authority and is treated inferior, and she is being lied to and manipulated by her partner. This makes her feel crazy and overhelmed, and she screams. So what. She should be screaming and she needs to leave. Women in male dominated culture being treated like slaves with no rights of their own got slapped with the ‘female hysteria’ label for years.
Personally, I think most the issues from TJ boil down to cultural differences. When it comes to Kim, I think she has severe mental health issues.
She should not be screaming. She is an adult and is responsible for her actions .
If you picture yourself as Kim (staged tantrums aside), I think it’s abusive.
Except…
…why she didn’t realize he was gonna transition her into a housewife? His lies of omission a part of his character at this point.
I think they genuinely like each other off camera. And sometimes on camera. But I don’t think that’s enough to justify how he manipulated their shituation.
Notice how nothing in your paragraph there mentioned having any respect for her or caring about what she wanted
Again, I think that’s cultural. It seems to be an incredibly patriarchal society. We’re looking at him through an American lens.
Why does that make it okay? Many things about different cultures are beautiful. But misogyny is not one of them and culture doesn’t excuse it.
I don’t think at any point I said it was ok, I said it was different. Too different to make a relationship work.
You said it’s not abusive for him to lie to her, patronize her, and then expect her to be the family servant for the rest of her life.
He’s pretty charming so I think people tend to like him more than they should